(sorry ahead for typos.. meh.)
We are almost there. My due date is two weeks away! Though that doesn't mean that labor can't happen anytime between now and then OR that I might be late and have my baby in August (which for some reason I really feel is what will happen) I am understanding why women seemed to warn me or make a pity face when reminiscing about their ninth month.. guys.. it kinda sucks. I will be honest with my friends, being pregnant kinda sucks. Or I should correct myself, the symptoms, the ones that are not a lovable baby, are what suck. I don't know if some women have just totally lost their memory of the experience or maybe it is like a bad relationship where later all you can remember is how dreamy Mr. Douchbox was.. or if they are just LIARS. I am lucky in that I have youth & had a generally fit/healthy body when I became pregnant.. I believed, and several women told me, pregnancy was going to be easy as pie for me. I read dozens (really) of books and countless blogs about what would happen to me physically, I kept myself aware of all the gross things that I was about to experience. Luckily, bodily fluids and things like that do not usually bother me, being among the many Americans that are enamored with teevee forensics (the best kind, since you do not have to witness the smells.. the only reason I decided going after a career in the field would not work for me). What I was not prepared for and still cannot really deal with is the emotional effects of growing a new human. To be fair, I have a history of depression.. with a side dish of some random anxieties (i.e. ticking clocks, white noise.. ), also some body issues and a slightly anorexic past.. BUT I was functional. I was getting the hang of being a social person with "quirks". (this was relatively new, last year was my year of healing after nearly three dark years of terribleness) To take a girl who was barely balancing on the tight rope of normal anyway and impregnate her.. well.. it makes her a full on basket-case. After being pregnant this long and KNOWING that my hormones are out of wack and KNOWING something that I am about to cry about is silly and minimal.. it doesn't matter.. once the tear flow starts it cannot be stopped. And, like a child, I start feeling sorry for myself or something and start to think of all the saddest things in the world then I somehow loop all the way back around to how much I suck as a person and how I am FAILINGGG. Then it is over. A five minute cry and then back to normal.. What was that?? This happens almost daily. Today I spilled my drink on the counter and you would think I had stabbed myself. I was hysterical, I knew it, but I could not stop myself. I sobbed and my poor fiance had to console me once more in utter confusion as to what has happened now. Luckily, he's incredibly patient. Much more than I am. Seeing him put up with crazy me has reconfirmed my belief of what am amazing parent he will be. In any case, I am thankful. After I am done crying I try to give myself a little pep talk.
1. You have someone that truly loves you.
2. You have a good support system of friends and family.
3. You are going to have a baby very soon that will change you forever, you are going to be a MOMMY.
4. Hey! You barely have any stretch marks.. yay.
5. This is all a way better path than waiting around for Mr. Douchebox.
I am ready for her to be here. I am ready to get myself back to normal and focus on teaching this person about the world, and to continue the search for my place in it as well. Hopefully balancing it all with grace.
